PHP is actually a great language, I make the majority of my income from it
Anyway, haevn't you heard of YaBB florian?
All you need is Perl support, its like "it just works" (it just works is apparently trademark of Apple, even though OS X doesnt "just work" its a false paradigm, most of the products on OS X are made with that paradigm in mind, and thus they all suck and have shitty error catching with the exception of Cinema 4D which actually can handle OS X's horrible memory leaks instead of just crapping out).
Anyway... YaBB is perl and uses a flat file database, which means the database is a file(s), instead of connecting to a 'service', like how apps in the good ol days used to be.
Skinnable, moddable, themeable to do anything, and look like anything, it comes with a -lot- of functions out of the box, that you need to install extras into phpBB to handle (like image attachments
It's also quite fast.http://www.yabbforum.com/